48 hours.......

Only 48 hours from now.................

@темы: Love, Personal


Today is the first day of a new life............

Today is the first day of a new life ...........

Many insecurities ..............

How will he react .............

What will he do ............


How good I will sleep ............

How easy I will wake-up .................

How nice to have only 1 alarm ............

I do not know what will be in the next months. I know she will be more quiet during the days. Spend more time with children during the days .............

And then reality will come back again ............

What will be her next steps ..............

What will be her next purpose ............

What will be her next important decision ...........

How I support and love her, and how I wish all will be as she wishes ...............

Go on my Rose, speed is not important, only the result is!

@темы: Love, Personal


Have I told you lately - Van Morrison

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do

For the morning sun in all it's glory
greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter
and somehow you make it better
ease my troubles that's what you do
There's a love that's divine
and it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
we should give thanks and pray
to the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
and it's yours and it's mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
we should give thanks and pray
to the one, to the one

And have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
You fill my heart with gladness
take away my sadness
ease my troubles that's what you do
Take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles that's what you do
Take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles that's what you do

@темы: Love


Why is it always the people that you love..........

Why is it always the people that you love that experience "tragedy" in their lives.

Let me explain.
I have a friend, he is 61 years old. He is a real friend. The word friend I not use often, it is special. It has nothing to do with love, it is friendship. Undefinied, no complexes and unconditional.

About 1 year ago they diagnosed cancer. His world fall apart. he is a healthy man. Play tennis 3 to 4 times a week. Sold his company, no need to work, only enjoy the pleasure things in life. Became a granddaddy, proud of his grandchildren, and then ........

Chemotherapie followed, destroyed his legs. He could hardly walk after the treatment. But he is purely optimistic person. He fought back, could walk again, could ride bycicle again, and even we played tennis together at the end of july.

It was a little miracle, no it was a big miracle. I go on holiday, and was busy. Busy with my private life, and busy with my business life. Did not talk to him for 4 weeks. Monday I spoke to his daughter at the tennis-club. She told me the cancer came back. Her father in despair, totally depressed, frightened, what will be.

This morning I visited him, apoligized for the long time of no contact, he said: no problem. I said: it is problem. I am busy, very busy, but it does not give me the right not to call you to ask how you are. We talked. Monday he will go into the scan again and friday sept 11th. he will get the result.

And both he and I are prepared to the worst-case-scenario.............

Yesterday she sends sms to me:
U-fff... All is good. We are in the policlinic now. Because this woman said in the end that my son has problems with renales (I don't know how to say in English, it is latyn). And I also have problems! I never had before! I am not believe, but I want to check. Have a nice evening. I love you.

I replied immidieately: please inform me about your problems and if all is oké. It was 17.45 my time. No reply, no sms. I worried. Is she still in the policlinic? Did the docter find something bad?

Called to her girlfriend 2 times. Finally her girlfriend send sms to me that all is oké (21.18).

I had to wait 3,5 hours for an answer.

Is it so strange that I worry...........?

@темы: Love, Personal


What shall I write.............

What shall I write?

I do not know. I not have any new ideas. I did not have any reply on my logistic-questions, nobody wants to help me (ha ha). No, it is just that I not have anything specific to write about.

Of course, my schedule for my trips is almost finished. I will leave for China on friday sept 11th. Will work with my customer 4 days. Then will stay another 4 days in the office and I will fly back on monday sept. 21st. to my lovely country.

The second trip will be a couple of days later and this trip, of course, is on a personal level much more important. No need to explain why.

Holidays are ending, customers coming back to their offices and we are already working for spring / summer 2010 and as always we have no idea what it will be. What will we put in collection, what will we choose. All is possible in accessories. the only thing I know that we are not sure how our business will develop for the next year. Within 1 month I have to make my budget for 2010 again.

I have to make decision about one collegue to stay or to fire him. I think I will fire him. he is not sure about himselve, he shows no initiative, does not remember procedures (even when he wrote them down himselve on paper). Why waste more energy to teach him. He is working now 1 year and 3 months in our office. He is 26 years old, will turn 27 in oktober and I wonder if he even got laid (with a girl then) one time in his life. So, in my mind decision has been taken, and I only have to inform him about it. And then of course the search for a new employee. And that is maybe the most difficult part. Yes the labour-situation at this moment is "oké", but also we must to spend much much time in learning a new collegue all procedures.

And then the Rose. She is busy also today. Just receive sms from her. With her son she is doing many many plans now. Problaby she is outside to some government-office to settle some questions about her work, and I will patiently wait our talking later today, because she will call me later.

So, that's all for now, if something interesting will happen and I want to write it down in my blog I will do it.

@темы: Business, Personal


Saturday, the weekend, and then.....

Saturday, start of the weekend for most people. Not for me (not for her also). I always work on the saturday-morning. It is quiet in the office. No phonecalls, not so many e-mails, can do some necessary paperwork, private work, etc etc.

I always drink coffee, read the newspaper, download some music, surf on the internet, etc. etc.

I like it, it is convenient, relaxed and quiet.

And of course, I wait her call. She called at 08.00. She was late. She told me yesterday-evening she would wake-up at 04.00 her time, but she decided to stay asleep for 2 more hours as sleep was much more needed then the work on the computer.

So, at 06.18 I received her sms. She knows that if she wakes-up at 04.00 all is quiet in the house and he will not disturb her. So, you can guess waht happened when she woke-up at 06.00. Her husband also wake-up. She asked for coffee, he prepared the tea (minor detail, does not matter). Again he tried to touch her, but of course no result ..... Annoying it is, why a man cannot understand the situation. She said me: he does not understand my actions, so he also not understand my words. It is simple.

Yes, of course it is simple, but also it is irritating, annoying, makes the atmosphere unpleasure. Why sometimes men are so stupid that they simply not understand that NO = NO and that the situation is as it is.

We talked, more then 1 hour. No moments of silence (only when we must think about answer or dig in the deep memory of our lifes). And that is what is so beautiful about our talks. Never a dull moment, never a silence (also because the noise in the bus is loud, ha, ha). Always a subject to discuss. Today we talke about the past, about history of our lifes. I mean to say, I asked and she told. And she talks quietly, with reason, with thinking, with simple and clear explanation. And I listen, patiently to her story, and sometimes ask the question. Always trying to explain how some things are in my life, or how my history was. But today she talked only about her history, we not talk about my history. Later we will do. We have so much to say to eachother that there will be no dull moment on the phone.

Now she is waiting her husband. he will come to her shop to pick her up. Fortunately her sons will also be there. it is more safe for her. In most lifes the mother protect the sons, always, it is nature. In her life also, she protects her children, but the children not know that they are also a big protection for her. They do not know it, they do not realise it. Later in many years when the sons are older, maybe she will explain to them how important they are in her life, more important then they realise now ............

I am finished with my working and writing day. I will go home now, to my children, enjoy the saturday, or what's left of it. I MUST to buy the dictionary today. The score is already 4 - 0 in favor of her. The language-battle is continueing. I am behind, I will behind, but even if I am behind her in this battle, I am ready to be in the locomotief. Fysically she will be behind me then, but in the language-battle I will always be behind.

You win honey, I accept defeat already, but I will fight, so the defeat will be small ...........

You win honey, with your voice, your smile, your eyes and your crazy-ideas. How pretty is your victory, how humble I accept defeat. How nice that the winner and looser will always be equal in the end......................

@темы: Business, Future, Personal


All is same again........

I did not want to ask but I did: "did you have dinner all together?"

She said: "I have had dinner alone ....."

All is same again in her house now .........

What can I say .........


@темы: Love


Язык битва .....

Я должен купить русский словарь.

Я не хочу потерять langauge-бой.

Но я думаю, я буду .......

@темы: Future


Do not worry......

Do not worry about your talking to me, anytime I will listen ......

Do not worry about your soft or strong words to him .................

I know your attitude ..............

Please worry about the lovely words you will say to me when we meet .............

I want to hear the loveliest and most romantic words from you ..................

I wait these words ..............

I wait your hug ...............

I wait you ..............!

@темы: Love


A day without her voice

Strange day today. No talking on the phone. I cannot remember when the last day was I did not hear her voice even if it was for only 1 or 2 minutes. She is in another country now, together with her husband, her son and her best girlfriend. Do I miss her? yes and no.

Yes, because I love to hear her voice, to talk to her about daily things, to talk to her about her feelings and emotions.
No, because I know she problaby has fun now. She is shopping. Buying clothes for herselve (maybe new underwear for me: lip:), buying clothes for her son who will go to kindergarten next week, and buying clothes for her oldest son.

I imagine she and her friend are making jokes about the clothes, are making jokes about underwear. They look at eachother and smile if they see a nice set of underwear with some little erotic-imagination. But then again she cannot smile to loudly or to much, because also her husband is there, and it is not "polite" and "nice" to make jokes about underwear when the husband is present.

I sad to her: Please only buy new underwear if it is safe!

I know she will not behave like that, she will not offend her husband, So problaby when she smiles, she will only smile in her mind and think maybe about another man who will take off her new underwear, slowly and gentle and this man will gentle put the underwear aside and then he will start to caress the uncovered bodyparts that appear after the underwear has been taking off. Oi, Oi, Oi, how much this man waits .... 30.

So, today no waiting for calls, no waiting for mm (it is to expensive to go on the internet abroad), only maybe a small sms will come in during the day.

Tomorrow (wednesday) I will problaby talk to her again.

Also I will receive my new passport on wednesday and then I will immidiately apply for the visa so we can meet again on .... 30.

Meanwhile at home, already many weeks without s.. My girlfriend (we are not married) not asks. She still has holiday for another 3 weeks, and goes to bed late. I go to bed earlier, I am tired (normally a womens excuse) and I will be sleeping when she comes upstairs.

It is difficult for me to have s.. with my girlfriend. I do not want it. Even before I met HER we did not have s.. often. I am just not attracted to my girlfriend anymore for many years. I cannot behave as animal. Having sex is for me to intimate, to personal to do it as animal.

And when I met HER last year, and we not have real intercourse the first time we were naked together, it was no problem for me. It was not my main goal to have intercourse. At this first time we were both naked and we started to kiss as animals (yes it was as animals), the atmosphere slowly changed to tender touching and caressing eachother and the "animal instinct" was gone already, and maybe therefore my feeling from the beginning with her was a pleasure feeling and not an ordinary "sex as animal" feeling.

Intercourse you have with a person you love, and I have never had intercourse as animal. Yes, of course when I was young I did have intercourse for fun, but the last 20 years I never had intercourse as animal. It is just not "me". I am not like that. It is not my attitude.

When I met her, and she told me from which country she came, I had this prejudgement about sex and the attitude of the people from her country. I tried to tell her that for me the attitude is different. It is not necessary / normal to have sex with people when you go out alone to a bar. She once told me that in her country, when men go out to a bar (without their wife), it almost automatically means the men will also have sex with another woman. I simply did not understand this attitude.

Slowly and patiently I have tried to convince her that I not like this attitude at all, that I even sometimes have to throw-up if I think about it. And she slowly started to understand me. I must say that her attitude is not "bad" about sex. I mean to say: her attitude is not to have sex with other men only because you are as animal.

I try to make her realise that making love is different then having sex. With her I have made already many times true and honest love. Yes, also one or two times we behaved together as animals, especially the first time we saw eachother after long time, but the days to follow we only made true and honest love in which we both have no complexes. We ask eachother what we want, and what we not want, and we also ask eachother what we like and not like. Which bodypart you want me to touch, which position do you like. Only by communicating we will survive and keep the love alive.

This is the most important thing between her and me. We communicate very very well. About all things in life. And if we not agree with eachother or if we misunderstand eachother, or if we not like something about eachother, we immidiately say it. If you not do that, if you not say it immidiately, then slowly very slowly the misunderstandings will grow and grow till there is no way back anymore.

I will prevent that to happen, and she has the same attitude.

How I love this woman, and how I wait the day that she will be my wife and wake-up next to me everyday with her beautiful smile, her beautiful lips, her beautiful nose and her bright beautiful eyes.

We will drink tea or coffee then, together each morning, oi, oi, oi ,.......... :love:

@темы: Love, Personal, Thoughts Aloud


Back in office

Oeps, monday again. After 3 weeks of holiday start to work again today. A lot of things to do. My desk NOT full of papers. I checked my mails during the weekend already. A number of 2289 were in my mailbox. many of them not useful, but it takes so much time to organise all.

2 business trips on the role. 1 to China and 1 to a beautiful country with a beautiful lady. I must to apply for Visa for both trips this week. My passport is changed into a new one. It will be ready wednesday and then the visa application for both trips will be send out.

Now I am waiting the call from the lovely lady. She has not called yet, and she not replied to my goodmorning mail. I worry???? No, not really, but of course it is pleausure to receive her message (call / mail / sms).

I never know what happens in her house. How friendly will her husband be, or how unfriendly will her husband be. She not worries about her husband, but I still have this feeling that he maybe is a ticking time-bomb and it will explode one day.

My lovely woman is not afraid of that, and I must to say that most of the time her judgement is oke, so I confide in her judgement as I also confide in her love. She is worth it, and I so so much wait untill I see her again and I can look into these beautiful eyes and touch her beautiful hair, her tender lips and listen to her golden voice.


I just woke-up

I just woke-up. It is early. I am sitting on the terrace and smoking a cigaret. My thoughts are with her. Is she already awake? Is she having breakfast now? Is he touching her, or not? She worked whole evening on the computer yesterday and send me a nice small mail. She cannot send a big mail. Her husband follows her everywhere and not leaves her alone. I wrote her a mail just before I go to sleep:

My lovely flower,

I read your e-mail a few seconds after you send it. I am sorry about your parents sms.

if you sometimes think:
- that you take the wrong decision
- that your children are better of in a complete marriage
- that the whole world is against you
- that you are not sure
- that it is better to stay
- that all you do is wrong
- that all problems will be to much
- that our love is impossible
- that everybody thinks you are stupid
- that you are all alone on this world
- that you not know where and how you will be in one year
- that our love will end
- that you are not you anymore
- that all is to much
- that live is not worth it
- that you like the cage
- that the fire in your eyes will not come back

Please call me, just call me.................

I only love you...........


For her it is difficult. Sometimes she will think: What am I doing? I am breaking with my normal life and there are so few people who support me. As if she is alone out there, alone in this world (Like Remy, but he had Vitalis who helped him). That's why I send the above mail. So, she knows she can always call me if she wants to talk to me.

Tomorrow I will go to work again. My holiday is over and the real real world will start again. Today we will have bbq with friends and it is a nice ending of the holidays.

She not knows yet what she will do tomorrow. She has a restday on monday and she took another restday for tuesday, and also her husband requested the restday. Maybe they go to the lake, maybe they go to buy clothes. Maybe she goes to the government office to clear some details on her company.

For me it is pitty. Mondays are the skype-days. Only on onday we can talk and watch. We can talk and see eachother. It has already been 3 weeks since I saw her, and I problaby must to wait another week before I see her beautiful face again. But we talk, everyday, sometimes more the 1 or 1,5 hour by day.

And we love eachother........deeply.......very deeply. It will be 6 weeks and 3 days before we see eachother again, and both we are so much waiting for this moment.

I simply love her, that's all!


What I want to say..........

My second record .....

It took me a while to write my second record. I have had big plans. Write frequently in my diary. But why??

I just do not believe in it. I know the darksides of internet. Which information is right and which information is just not right. You can hide behind masks, hidden masks, so you can write, give advices, make suggestions, make proposals. For what????

It is simple, I am a woman, 39 years young. Alone, after a failure in life, a wrong choice, mistake???? Yes, you can say so. And now .......

Looking for new happiness in life, Younger or older, energitic or lazy, intelligent or smart, rich or poor. It does not matter, I just wait and see who will come along. And you know what? Many will come along. They simply believe me. They will simply believe my story of my life. And why?? Because they not know me, they not know who I am, they not know what I feel, they not know my emotions. I can tell all I want. I can put pictures of myselve in my blog. They will love me, all will love me, why ????? Because they do not know me.

I am blond, but not stupid, ha, ha. I know I am not stupid because many tell me. So, let's go on, let's join the shit of internet and play the game. Reply to me, say what you want, it does not matter. My real identity will never been known.

And that is why I simply do not like this.

But, it is a market, it is a way of making money. It is Internet, and internet makes all possible. Even the impossible will be possible.

However, when you know the person who writes the blog, then it is different. Because then you cannot lie, you cannot hide between a mask, a hidden mask. Then you can only write the truth. So for many of you who write in this diary I say: Go to hell, I do not care about your opinion, I do not care about your advices, be a man, be a woman, be ugly, be pretty, be young, be old, be rich, be poor, be who ever you want to be. REALLY, I DO NOT CARE !!!!!

Few I know, one of them closed their blog for me, and this person is right. This person is honest, this person tells me that he /she shares his / her deepest emotions, feelings, desires on the blog, and I can understand this person. Because reading this information and knowing the thoughts, it makes you vulnerable, and nobody wants to be vulnerable.

And then there is another person I know. And this person I know really well now. She (yes, it is girl) writes all she wants in her blog and I can read it. And I want to read it. because................

I am 44 years old, I am a man and I am in love. Yes, it's funny. In the beginning of this record I was a woman, but now I am a man. In the beginning I was 39, now I am 44. Ha, Ha, which one is true??????

So, to all of you out there (except the 2 persons I know). Reply, ask, I will give you alla snwers you want to hear, it is simple. maybe I am a boy, 25 years old, ha, ha, maybe I am a woman, 76 years old. Try me, but remember, I always say: INIAIS (It Never Is At It Seems).

Except for those 2 persons who know who I am. they can trust me, and they will only read the truth in this blog.

Love you all, out there. But 1 in particular, a special one...........She knows.........Because I am 44 years old, and I am in love, and I believe in this love.........and she knows it................


first record

This is my first record.

It is very short.

I must to check myselve if it is oke.




Just write to save my diary

That's all


Today we set record, more then 4 hours..........

06.00 - 08.15 (10 minute break for big message)
09.30 - 10.30 (no breaks)
14.30 - 15.45??

No silence, a lot of laughs ..............

Fun and pleasure ......................

@темы: Love


Yesterday I fired him.......

Yesterday I fired him. At the end of the day I asked him to come to my office and I informed him that his contract would not be extended.

He did not say so much. He understood, and that is just the reason why I have no faith in him. Come on, say something, be angry, be happy, shout, cry, but please say something. Nothing, silent, maybe on the point of a little mental breakdown.

I told him that I would inform the rest of the team friday-morning at the coffee and that he could decide if he would be at 08.00 in the office and listen to my anouncement or that he would come a little bit later so he no need to listen to the anouncement.

He said: I will be there. I said: Good, I think you should be there at 08.00 so you can also give your own statement and point of view.

He was not in the office and I was so sure that I made the right decision. It was absolutely clear for me again that he has no guts. That he is a "child" of 26 who does not want to face reality and cannot face the people he has been working with for almost 1,5 years and be a man and listen to the anouncement.

I pitty him, not because I care about him, I care the company's future, It is my first priority, but I pitty because how is this boy going to survive in the real world out there.

Finally he came in and it was really embarresing what he did. We have two entrances in our office. One entrance is at the front and then you pass my office. The other entrance is at the warehouse and you not pass my office. He entered the building through this entrance and he did not walk to my office to say Goodmorning.

How childish a grown-up man can be ????!!!!

Now I lost all my respect for him. GROW UP please !!!!!

And the funny thing is that while I am writing this story, that I know that she will read this story, and she will see many many parellels to a man she also knows ..........

@темы: Business



There are no words at this moment to explain what is going on in my mind .............

@музыка: can't fight this feeling - REO Speedwagon / Christopher Cross - Theme from New York

@темы: Personal


Many ways to wake-up, but this one is nice.....

There are many ways to wake-up, but this one is nice, very nice.

I cannot live without you...I very much miss you.. I love you... Goodmorning, my LOVE.

@темы: Love, Personal