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02:09 

first record

This is my first record.

It is very short.

I must to check myselve if it is oke.

01:34 

What I want to say..........

My second record .....

It took me a while to write my second record. I have had big plans. Write frequently in my diary. But why??

I just do not believe in it. I know the darksides of internet. Which information is right and which information is just not right. You can hide behind masks, hidden masks, so you can write, give advices, make suggestions, make proposals. For what????

It is simple, I am a woman, 39 years young. Alone, after a failure in life, a wrong choice, mistake???? Yes, you can say so. And now .......

Looking for new happiness in life, Younger or older, energitic or lazy, intelligent or smart, rich or poor. It does not matter, I just wait and see who will come along. And you know what? Many will come along. They simply believe me. They will simply believe my story of my life. And why?? Because they not know me, they not know who I am, they not know what I feel, they not know my emotions. I can tell all I want. I can put pictures of myselve in my blog. They will love me, all will love me, why ????? Because they do not know me.

I am blond, but not stupid, ha, ha. I know I am not stupid because many tell me. So, let's go on, let's join the shit of internet and play the game. Reply to me, say what you want, it does not matter. My real identity will never been known.

And that is why I simply do not like this.

But, it is a market, it is a way of making money. It is Internet, and internet makes all possible. Even the impossible will be possible.

However, when you know the person who writes the blog, then it is different. Because then you cannot lie, you cannot hide between a mask, a hidden mask. Then you can only write the truth. So for many of you who write in this diary I say: Go to hell, I do not care about your opinion, I do not care about your advices, be a man, be a woman, be ugly, be pretty, be young, be old, be rich, be poor, be who ever you want to be. REALLY, I DO NOT CARE !!!!!

Few I know, one of them closed their blog for me, and this person is right. This person is honest, this person tells me that he /she shares his / her deepest emotions, feelings, desires on the blog, and I can understand this person. Because reading this information and knowing the thoughts, it makes you vulnerable, and nobody wants to be vulnerable.

And then there is another person I know. And this person I know really well now. She (yes, it is girl) writes all she wants in her blog and I can read it. And I want to read it. because................

I am 44 years old, I am a man and I am in love. Yes, it's funny. In the beginning of this record I was a woman, but now I am a man. In the beginning I was 39, now I am 44. Ha, Ha, which one is true??????

So, to all of you out there (except the 2 persons I know). Reply, ask, I will give you alla snwers you want to hear, it is simple. maybe I am a boy, 25 years old, ha, ha, maybe I am a woman, 76 years old. Try me, but remember, I always say: INIAIS (It Never Is At It Seems).

Except for those 2 persons who know who I am. they can trust me, and they will only read the truth in this blog.

Love you all, out there. But 1 in particular, a special one...........She knows.........Because I am 44 years old, and I am in love, and I believe in this love.........and she knows it................

09:05 

I just woke-up

I just woke-up. It is early. I am sitting on the terrace and smoking a cigaret. My thoughts are with her. Is she already awake? Is she having breakfast now? Is he touching her, or not? She worked whole evening on the computer yesterday and send me a nice small mail. She cannot send a big mail. Her husband follows her everywhere and not leaves her alone. I wrote her a mail just before I go to sleep:

My lovely flower,

I read your e-mail a few seconds after you send it. I am sorry about your parents sms.

if you sometimes think:
- that you take the wrong decision
- that your children are better of in a complete marriage
- that the whole world is against you
- that you are not sure
- that it is better to stay
- that all you do is wrong
- that all problems will be to much
- that our love is impossible
- that everybody thinks you are stupid
- that you are all alone on this world
- that you not know where and how you will be in one year
- that our love will end
- that you are not you anymore
- that all is to much
- that live is not worth it
- that you like the cage
- that the fire in your eyes will not come back

Please call me, just call me.................

I only love you...........

M.

For her it is difficult. Sometimes she will think: What am I doing? I am breaking with my normal life and there are so few people who support me. As if she is alone out there, alone in this world (Like Remy, but he had Vitalis who helped him). That's why I send the above mail. So, she knows she can always call me if she wants to talk to me.

Tomorrow I will go to work again. My holiday is over and the real real world will start again. Today we will have bbq with friends and it is a nice ending of the holidays.

She not knows yet what she will do tomorrow. She has a restday on monday and she took another restday for tuesday, and also her husband requested the restday. Maybe they go to the lake, maybe they go to buy clothes. Maybe she goes to the government office to clear some details on her company.

For me it is pitty. Mondays are the skype-days. Only on onday we can talk and watch. We can talk and see eachother. It has already been 3 weeks since I saw her, and I problaby must to wait another week before I see her beautiful face again. But we talk, everyday, sometimes more the 1 or 1,5 hour by day.

And we love eachother........deeply.......very deeply. It will be 6 weeks and 3 days before we see eachother again, and both we are so much waiting for this moment.

I simply love her, that's all!

09:10 

Dilemma

He: He does not want to lie, but cannot tell the truth.

She: She does not want to lie, but cannot tell the truth.

11:01 

Just she called

Just she called me. I called her back. This is our normal procedure. For her calling to me is very expensive and the company can check the record so then they can see to whom she calls. I never pick up the phone. She let it ring for 2 or 3 times and then I know I can call her back.

She was on the way to her shop for working. She was not alone, her son was with her. it is her assistant. It is a good assistant. Also it is little bit dangerous because the son can say to the daddy: He called again. But she told me that she was going away for 2 days on monday and tuesday and therefore this was the last possibility to talk before wednesday.

I did not want to talk about ther parents sms. Maybe she thinks I forgot, but I did not. I do not want that she cries in the car with her son.

So, now I will go back to bed to have some sleep. My kids will wake-up soon and then we watch tv upstairs.

How I love her, and how I will miss her voice these 2 days.

13:53 

Just she called me again

Just she called me again. I returned the call. She said: I love you. She said it with her golden voice. This voice sometimes sounds like a beautiful harp. her lips produce sounds similar to the sounds that come out from the strings of the harp (I do not know the English word of this musical-instrument, but maybe harp is oke).

Only a few minutes we talked, but it gives energy for hours. I know maybe she will call me again today, or tomorrow when she is out with her family, or maybe the day after tomorrow when she is also out with her family.

Of course I will try to call her back, if I can. If I not can I will send sms.

I love you honey!!!!!

22:45 

Pitty, I mist her call and called back to late (15.34 this afternoon)

Today 15.34 my time. Checked my phone. Shit, one missed call. She called. Immediately I call back. During my dialing sms came in. My connect was broken. She refused the call. I read the sms, and understand it. So, pitty!!!

Cannot send sms, because if she refuses call it is possible she is at home or her husband is with her and on sundays she is always home earlier then weekdays. So cannot send sms, pitty. 30 minutes later: "I so much waited your sms now...".

I immidiately send sms to her: "Sorry honey, I thought it was not safe!! I thought you already at home. LY and so pitty we could not talk. Your M. with N. in his mind whole day...

She replied: Spasibo!!!

This is our problem. We are not free to call and talk when we want, and If I or if she refuses a call or not call back we not know what the situation is.

Still I am thinking about her, and she is thinking about me. Tomorrow (monday) last chance to talk for the monday and tuesday as she will be away to another country with her son and her husband and we cannot communicate. No sms, no mail, and no call.

I will survive, but it will be so much pleasure if I talk to her again on wednesday.

09:56 

Back in office

Oeps, monday again. After 3 weeks of holiday start to work again today. A lot of things to do. My desk NOT full of papers. I checked my mails during the weekend already. A number of 2289 were in my mailbox. many of them not useful, but it takes so much time to organise all.

2 business trips on the role. 1 to China and 1 to a beautiful country with a beautiful lady. I must to apply for Visa for both trips this week. My passport is changed into a new one. It will be ready wednesday and then the visa application for both trips will be send out.

Now I am waiting the call from the lovely lady. She has not called yet, and she not replied to my goodmorning mail. I worry???? No, not really, but of course it is pleausure to receive her message (call / mail / sms).

I never know what happens in her house. How friendly will her husband be, or how unfriendly will her husband be. She not worries about her husband, but I still have this feeling that he maybe is a ticking time-bomb and it will explode one day.

My lovely woman is not afraid of that, and I must to say that most of the time her judgement is oke, so I confide in her judgement as I also confide in her love. She is worth it, and I so so much wait untill I see her again and I can look into these beautiful eyes and touch her beautiful hair, her tender lips and listen to her golden voice.

11:52 

She called........YES

She called, I returned the call. Her visit to the government office was oké!!!!! No problem for her, maybe later little problem but then also little "straf". She was happy and releaved.

50 minutes we talked, a blast, fun, laughs, serious remarks, funny remarks, but always remarks we both understand and we both let eachother finish.

At the end of the call she said: "M. I cannot go inside my house with this bright smile. My husband will not understand it. I said: "???, you can, no problem honey. you have reason to smile because all went good at government office. Yes, she said, you are right, I can smile. I said: yes, and you MUST smile because you are the sunshine lady when you smile, and I want that you are happy!!"

That's all, and I love this woman, so so much.

14:52 

We saw eachother on Skype.....how pleasure

Both sons out, husband to pick-up her friend, and she decided..........call M.

How pleasure, how good to see this beautiful face again, her smile, her teeth.

6 weeks and 2 days to go and we will see eachother. I cannot wait, but I must to wait. Maybe next week on monday, maybe just maybe........

Energy now again for another week............

Oi, Oi, Oi, Oi, the days is a succes already.

Bye my love, enjoy your trip to....... and buy nice things........and think about me........I will think about you!!!

@темы: Love, Personal

10:49 

A day without her voice

Strange day today. No talking on the phone. I cannot remember when the last day was I did not hear her voice even if it was for only 1 or 2 minutes. She is in another country now, together with her husband, her son and her best girlfriend. Do I miss her? yes and no.

Yes, because I love to hear her voice, to talk to her about daily things, to talk to her about her feelings and emotions.
No, because I know she problaby has fun now. She is shopping. Buying clothes for herselve (maybe new underwear for me: lip:), buying clothes for her son who will go to kindergarten next week, and buying clothes for her oldest son.

I imagine she and her friend are making jokes about the clothes, are making jokes about underwear. They look at eachother and smile if they see a nice set of underwear with some little erotic-imagination. But then again she cannot smile to loudly or to much, because also her husband is there, and it is not "polite" and "nice" to make jokes about underwear when the husband is present.

I sad to her: Please only buy new underwear if it is safe!

I know she will not behave like that, she will not offend her husband, So problaby when she smiles, she will only smile in her mind and think maybe about another man who will take off her new underwear, slowly and gentle and this man will gentle put the underwear aside and then he will start to caress the uncovered bodyparts that appear after the underwear has been taking off. Oi, Oi, Oi, how much this man waits .... 30.

So, today no waiting for calls, no waiting for mm (it is to expensive to go on the internet abroad), only maybe a small sms will come in during the day.

Tomorrow (wednesday) I will problaby talk to her again.

Also I will receive my new passport on wednesday and then I will immidiately apply for the visa so we can meet again on .... 30.

Meanwhile at home, already many weeks without s.. My girlfriend (we are not married) not asks. She still has holiday for another 3 weeks, and goes to bed late. I go to bed earlier, I am tired (normally a womens excuse) and I will be sleeping when she comes upstairs.

It is difficult for me to have s.. with my girlfriend. I do not want it. Even before I met HER we did not have s.. often. I am just not attracted to my girlfriend anymore for many years. I cannot behave as animal. Having sex is for me to intimate, to personal to do it as animal.

And when I met HER last year, and we not have real intercourse the first time we were naked together, it was no problem for me. It was not my main goal to have intercourse. At this first time we were both naked and we started to kiss as animals (yes it was as animals), the atmosphere slowly changed to tender touching and caressing eachother and the "animal instinct" was gone already, and maybe therefore my feeling from the beginning with her was a pleasure feeling and not an ordinary "sex as animal" feeling.

Intercourse you have with a person you love, and I have never had intercourse as animal. Yes, of course when I was young I did have intercourse for fun, but the last 20 years I never had intercourse as animal. It is just not "me". I am not like that. It is not my attitude.

When I met her, and she told me from which country she came, I had this prejudgement about sex and the attitude of the people from her country. I tried to tell her that for me the attitude is different. It is not necessary / normal to have sex with people when you go out alone to a bar. She once told me that in her country, when men go out to a bar (without their wife), it almost automatically means the men will also have sex with another woman. I simply did not understand this attitude.

Slowly and patiently I have tried to convince her that I not like this attitude at all, that I even sometimes have to throw-up if I think about it. And she slowly started to understand me. I must say that her attitude is not "bad" about sex. I mean to say: her attitude is not to have sex with other men only because you are as animal.

I try to make her realise that making love is different then having sex. With her I have made already many times true and honest love. Yes, also one or two times we behaved together as animals, especially the first time we saw eachother after long time, but the days to follow we only made true and honest love in which we both have no complexes. We ask eachother what we want, and what we not want, and we also ask eachother what we like and not like. Which bodypart you want me to touch, which position do you like. Only by communicating we will survive and keep the love alive.

This is the most important thing between her and me. We communicate very very well. About all things in life. And if we not agree with eachother or if we misunderstand eachother, or if we not like something about eachother, we immidiately say it. If you not do that, if you not say it immidiately, then slowly very slowly the misunderstandings will grow and grow till there is no way back anymore.

I will prevent that to happen, and she has the same attitude.

How I love this woman, and how I wait the day that she will be my wife and wake-up next to me everyday with her beautiful smile, her beautiful lips, her beautiful nose and her bright beautiful eyes.

We will drink tea or coffee then, together each morning, oi, oi, oi ,.......... :love:

@темы: Love, Personal, Thoughts Aloud

17:47 

A day without her voice (2)

It is simply not pleasure.

@темы: Thoughts Aloud, Personal, Love

13:38 

I miss you.........

I miss you........

I wait your voice........

@темы: Love, Personal, Thoughts Aloud

10:06 

19.08.2009 One hour and 49 minutes on skype

Finally decided to go home yesterday around 15.00. I did not want to stay in the office. It was 32 degrees, and at home there was nobody so I could quietly work at home and wait her message.

Just 3 minutes in my old car (VW Beetle - 1973) and the phone rings. She called from skype. How are you? Where are you? I said I was on my way home, but I will be alone at home so we can quietly skype. How coincendence!!!

Arrived home connected the computer (we have wireless at home so I can sit any place I want). Then we called. She looked tired and not so happy. First she cleaned her living room, camera on, could follow every step. She showed the clothes she bought for herselve, her sons. Coat with fur, boots, yellow coat. She was happy with her new clothes.

Then we talked face to face. Of course talked about the situation at home. Difficult, still. Husband still not understand what the attitude is. Still trying to touch her when she insists she NOT want. It makes her nervous, not relaxed and I can see it in her eyes. Disagreement about champaign, how much, when and with whom to drink.

Son arrives at home. She closes the door to the living room, son must wait in his room/the hall (ha ha, good solution), so we can quietly say goodbye to eachother. We wish eachother good evening, already goodnight also, just in case.....

20.40 She sends sms with her new phonenbr. I call her back, I am still alone. Talk little, she is happy. Best friend comes in the car with sons. It is funny, friend knows all (and supports), but children not know, so I ask question and say words and she only say Da Da Da. I know this situation. It is funny. We both know how to play the game. Finally: Paka Paka.

Mind at rest, relaxed for the evening and wait her next call. Now she can send sms anytime she wants, no need to be afraid the company (or husband) can check the record. The world becomes a little bit smaller and more open for us now.

At night fall asleep, difficult to get to sleep, temperature is high. To high to sleep and much to high for.....!

02.00 Vibrating phone, sms, go downstairs, from her, it is safe to reply. I do, small reply, with all feeling in it. She problaby continus to sleep quietly and I, I go upstairs, look at my girlfriend who sleeps, and I think...............

What do I think................?

@темы: Personal

14:39 

Logica in logistics

Somebody must to explain this to me:

A = supplier
B = importer
C = customer

Price development:
A = 1,00
B = 1,20
C = 3,00

We are B (importer).

Today received e-mail from supplier.

Supplier said: We (supplier) will not do business with you (importer) anymore, because you (importer) work directly with our customer..............

Can anybody explain the logic to me..................??

@темы: Business

16:53 

Язык битва .....

Я должен купить русский словарь.

Я не хочу потерять langauge-бой.

Но я думаю, я буду .......

@темы: Future

22:03 

All is same again........

I did not want to ask but I did: "did you have dinner all together?"

She said: "I have had dinner alone ....."

All is same again in her house now .........

What can I say .........

I LOVE YOU!!

@темы: Love

14:46 

Saturday, the weekend, and then.....

Saturday, start of the weekend for most people. Not for me (not for her also). I always work on the saturday-morning. It is quiet in the office. No phonecalls, not so many e-mails, can do some necessary paperwork, private work, etc etc.

I always drink coffee, read the newspaper, download some music, surf on the internet, etc. etc.

I like it, it is convenient, relaxed and quiet.

And of course, I wait her call. She called at 08.00. She was late. She told me yesterday-evening she would wake-up at 04.00 her time, but she decided to stay asleep for 2 more hours as sleep was much more needed then the work on the computer.

So, at 06.18 I received her sms. She knows that if she wakes-up at 04.00 all is quiet in the house and he will not disturb her. So, you can guess waht happened when she woke-up at 06.00. Her husband also wake-up. She asked for coffee, he prepared the tea (minor detail, does not matter). Again he tried to touch her, but of course no result ..... Annoying it is, why a man cannot understand the situation. She said me: he does not understand my actions, so he also not understand my words. It is simple.

Yes, of course it is simple, but also it is irritating, annoying, makes the atmosphere unpleasure. Why sometimes men are so stupid that they simply not understand that NO = NO and that the situation is as it is.

We talked, more then 1 hour. No moments of silence (only when we must think about answer or dig in the deep memory of our lifes). And that is what is so beautiful about our talks. Never a dull moment, never a silence (also because the noise in the bus is loud, ha, ha). Always a subject to discuss. Today we talke about the past, about history of our lifes. I mean to say, I asked and she told. And she talks quietly, with reason, with thinking, with simple and clear explanation. And I listen, patiently to her story, and sometimes ask the question. Always trying to explain how some things are in my life, or how my history was. But today she talked only about her history, we not talk about my history. Later we will do. We have so much to say to eachother that there will be no dull moment on the phone.

Now she is waiting her husband. he will come to her shop to pick her up. Fortunately her sons will also be there. it is more safe for her. In most lifes the mother protect the sons, always, it is nature. In her life also, she protects her children, but the children not know that they are also a big protection for her. They do not know it, they do not realise it. Later in many years when the sons are older, maybe she will explain to them how important they are in her life, more important then they realise now ............

I am finished with my working and writing day. I will go home now, to my children, enjoy the saturday, or what's left of it. I MUST to buy the dictionary today. The score is already 4 - 0 in favor of her. The language-battle is continueing. I am behind, I will behind, but even if I am behind her in this battle, I am ready to be in the locomotief. Fysically she will be behind me then, but in the language-battle I will always be behind.

You win honey, I accept defeat already, but I will fight, so the defeat will be small ...........

You win honey, with your voice, your smile, your eyes and your crazy-ideas. How pretty is your victory, how humble I accept defeat. How nice that the winner and looser will always be equal in the end......................

@темы: Business, Future, Personal

16:36 

This morning 07.45

83 minutes and no silence, nothing, only talking.......

How pleasure.........

@темы: Love, Personal

22:01 

Do not worry......

Do not worry about your talking to me, anytime I will listen ......

Do not worry about your soft or strong words to him .................

I know your attitude ..............

Please worry about the lovely words you will say to me when we meet .............

I want to hear the loveliest and most romantic words from you ..................

I wait these words ..............

I wait your hug ...............

I wait you ..............!

@темы: Love

IHVJ

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